Updated: Nov 15, 2019
Upon entering a library, one is expected to behave in a certain way, to aspire to a higher moral standard. One should do things like keep quiet, put books back where they were found, and be respectful to other library goers. Upon acknowledging the behaviors in which one should engage, one should also take the time to acknowledge the behaviors in which they should not engage. So, as a gift to you, I have written these behaviors out in full.
Upon entering the library:
1. Do not loudly announce your arrival to others in the vicinity of the entrance. “Attention, everyone: I’m here” falls under this category.
2. Also do not loudly ask the man sitting at computer #2 what type of sandwich he is eating for lunch (we can all smell that it is, in fact, tuna).
3. In fact, do not loudly announce anything. Marlene the librarian has already asked you to quiet down.
4. Do not run sticky Cinna-bun hands along a row of books that is juuust calling your name.
5. Or lick the books then loudly announce you did exactly that (regardless of how cinnamon-sugary they are from the aforementioned statement).
6. Please just do not consume food at all before walking into any library. You’ve clearly forgotten your manners.
7. Do not hum while walking through the quietest parts of the library.
8. Or sing along to the theme song of “The Flinstones” you have playing on your headphones.
9. And especially do not “suddenly realize” you don’t actually have anything playing on your headphones, but that you just like to accost others with your personal renditions of classic television theme songs (and especially Marlene).
10. If you are caught breaking any of these rules or are associated with anyone who does so, expect to face an extremely disappointed Marlene, the librarian who once believed in you.